Won't You Be My Neighbor

My sister-in-law, Kristina, who is fluent in French and spent a summer living in France while in college, recommended a book to me that has been an invaluable resource. I started reading the book while in California, but now that we're living here, I feel like I've been studying it, not just reading it. The book is "Cultural Misunderstanding-The French-American Experience", written by Raymonde Carroll. The first chapter of the book is entitled, "Home", and it explains some of the differences between Americans and French concerning "access" to a home.

I guess I'm writing about this today because my Mom keeps asking me if I've met any of the neighbors, or seen any other kids in the neighborhood. Ummmmm, no, I have not...and from what I've seen so far, that sort of thing doesn't happen here.

Ok, back to the book...the author is French, but living in America with her American husband (I think). Here is just a small snip it from the book. "And when I stroll around my neighborhood in the evening, I am still somewhat surprised at being able to see right into each home....they are apparently not the least bit bothered by the possibility of a stranger's eyes peering into their lives...backyards and gardens blend into each other in certain small American cities...across which neighbors exchange produce from their gardens or simply chat...We can therefore understand an American's surprise when faced with the walls, gates, shutters, and drawn curtains that "protect" French houses."

So that's us...we live behind a four foot wall with an eight foot hedge that runs around the entire perimeter of the house. We have a huge gate that must open before you get onto the property. We have shutters to open and close on every window as we wish...we don't have curtains, but that's only because we've just moved and I'm still working on decorating.

And I don't think the gates, and walls, and hedges are necessarily for security. Crime isn't the issue they are guarding against. The issue is privacy. The French are so very private when it comes to their personal lives. What's public is public, but what's personal is none of your business. So they layer up the privacy (kinda like they layer all their clothes) in forms of gates and walls and shutters and curtains.

So yeah, it is a huge cultural difference. And I would say that we even sorta live in a neighborhood--at least the French call the area Petit Bois. But in this neighborhood, there are no lawn chairs on the lawns while the kids all play in the streets. There are no neighborly waves or hellos as you get the mail or take in the trash cans. All of the houses on our street are behind gates and walls. We were offered no "welcome basket" of cookies or homemade bread. I have no idea if there are kids living around us. We have not said hello to a single neighbor.

In fact, the neighbor on one side of our house started threading Christmas greenery through the metal fencing one week after we moved in. And I'm pretty sure he wasn't doing it for last minute Christmas decorating. Because it is still up. He covered a portion of the fence where the hedge wasn't growing as densely...and without it, we could have seen in part of his house. So he slapped up another layer of privacy...the American in me wanted to cry as I watched him do it...I kept thinking, "Wow, he already hates us." "I guess they don't like all the kid's noise." "Have we already offended him?" But I keep trying to remind myself that it is just a huge difference in perspective.

Here are some pictures so you can get a visual on what I'm talking about. Truly, I'm struggling with this a lot. I feel claustrophobic--I can't see the street from my house. I feel very isolated---a huge gate closes behind me when I come home. I feel very unfriendly---there is never a chance to chat with a neighbor.


Here is the massive and very slow moving gate to get into our house...we have to wait a couple of minutes for it to open all the way before driving through...it moves at a very French pace. Anyone who wants to "knock on our door" has to push the little call buttons on the right in the picture...a phone rings in our house and then I can open the gate to let the visitor inside.


A picture of the walls and hedges around our house...our house is on the right and our neighbors house is on the left.



More walls and hedges on the other side of our house--our house is on the left.

A picture of the shutters...in the morning we open all the shutters on the ground floor, but I usually keep the upstairs shutters closed to help keep the heat upstairs. The point is, this is a daily occurrence. At night we shut them...for another layer of privacy (and insulation)...and in the morning we open them.



Here is a close up picture of my neighbors make shift hedge/keep-the-Hoblets-out-of-my- business. Every time I look at this, I have to give myself a pep talk so my feelings don't get hurt.


A picture from our porch where you can see the "greenery" so we don't sit there and stare into his kitchen, I guess--.


Is this a cultural misunderstanding? It could be, for sure. It's very different from where I grew up and what I'm used to... playing in our neighbors yard with neighborhood kids while my Mom could watch me from inside our house. It's not a "could I borrow a cup of sugar and an egg" kind of arrangement. And I don't at all feel any sense of community. But maybe I'll get used to it. And maybe when we move back to the States I'll say like the author of the book, "My goodness, you live in the street!"